Gross Encounters of the X Kind
Tuesday, May 11, 2004 @ 9 PM
I had my first encounter with a member of the Brood X Cicada family. I live on the outskirts of the Patapsco State Park, so I’m sure that the cicadas in my area will be rolling like P.Diddy’s entourage in a few weeks. However, it’s still pretty early in the Brood X season, so I didn’t expect to see a cicada this soon.
On Tuesday evening, I stopped at a gas station on Security Boulevard to buy gas. (I had to take out a second mortgage on the house just to fill up my gas tank…but that’s a whole ‘nother saga). As I was walking towards the pump, it happened. This huge bug landed on my right shoulder! It looked to be about the size of a 4-year-old child…I kid you not! Okay, so it wasn’t 3-feet tall, but it was way too big to be flying around! I don’t know if the thing was lost and needed directions to the park, or if God was exercising his sense of humor, but it picked the WRONG shoulder to land on.
For a minute there, I tried to lay aside my fear of insects, and tried to play it cool. I thought if I could simply brush it off my shoulder, I’d be okay. My first instinct was to scream, but I was trying to handle it rationally. So I started flicking at the thing, and then I proceeded to stomp my foot; the bug didn’t move. I yelled at the bug; it didn’t move. After exhausting all possible options, I had no choice. I had to scream. And you know what? The bug still didn’t move. It took a little twisting and turning, and a lot of screaming for the bug to eventually fall to the ground.
A couple of other customers at the gas station asked me if I was okay. I think one lady was laughing at me as she was pulling off. But trust me, that sister will have her day. I was so freaked out by this bug landing on me, that I quickly put the cap back on the tank, hopped in the car and sped off.
As a result of my experience, I’ve come up with a few tips to help people cope with the Brood X Cicadas:
- Don’t buy gas from the Shell station on Security Boulevard. This is a cicada-friendly establishment.
- Don’t waste your energy trying to yell at, or reason with a cicada. Cicadas don’t understand English.
- Don’t move near a state park. Parks tend to have a lot of trees, and cicadas like trees. Hence, where there are trees, there will be lots of cicadas and mass pandemonium.
- If a cicada lands on your shoulder, you can easily get it off by turning in a circle twice counter-clockwise while screaming loudly. This will effectively make the cicada dizzy and will scare it (along with anyone within 30 feet of you).
In the coming weeks, as the cicadas sneak out of the Patapsco State Park and start roaming through my neighborhood, I’m sure I’ll come up more reasonable and rational tips to pass along.